What’s the Secret to Better Communication?
Communication in Relationships – What’s the secret?
We’ve all been in a situation where we are frustrated because our partner isn’t hearing us. The key here is not to make them hear us and to control their behavior and the resulting outcome, but it is the way we ask for what we need and want and how we behave when we don’t get it.
Being able to convey what you need must come from knowing exactly what it is your thinking and feeling. How do we do this? Well, of course therapy is always a great first step is to identify your emotions. But also, asking yourself the hard, sole searching questions of how are you feeling? Why are you anxious, depressed, angry or sad at this moment? Once your feelings and emotions over a certain situation or conversation are identified then you can identify what your wants and needs are and being able to express them in a non-confrontational and non-judgmental way. By stating the facts, I am, or I feel in this moment….and then I want and need …. Once we can identify, name, and express our thoughts and emotions then we are able to make more sense of them even if our partner doesn’t understand them at least they are hearing us without defensiveness and stonewalling.
What I have learned from many years of being a therapist is that all everyone wants is to be heard. To be validated and supported even when the only sense we are making is to ourselves.
According and John and Julie Gottman, from the Gottman Institute, “turning towards your partner in times of need and being aware of your partners emotions and leaning towards it with genuine curiosity creates space for conflicting perspectives”. This means that when we listen with genuine empathy and validate our partners feelings with acknowledgement, we build a healthier foundation and an openness for connection and trust.
How to communicate effectively with your partner – According to John Gottman and Nan Silver in the book “What makes Love Last” follow the steps bellow –
Put your feelings into words
Ask open-ended questions
Follow up with statements that deepen your connection
Express compassion and genuine empathy for your partner
It is important to ask for what you need. According to Dr. Dana McNeil – ask yourself these hard questions “Have you asked for your needs in the relationship, or do you assume that if your partner really loved you that they would just know? Have you asked in the right way? If the Four Horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) crept into your conversations, then it might be time to learn how to ask for your unmet needs in a positive way.
Learning how to use a gentle start-up or finding a way to accept some of the responsibility for how a difficult conversation got off course are both good places to start.
There is no right or wrong way to communicate your needs and wants there is only the tools you need to learn about yourself in order to improve your ways of communicating them.
